I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
