His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
