I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
