I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
