apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
