Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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