I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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