Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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