so that wasnt chicken after all
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
