My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
