I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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