Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you didnt know i had herpes?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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