You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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