Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
