would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize