Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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