Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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