I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it was like his penis was on wheels.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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