Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
