OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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