You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
