before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
