remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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