I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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