i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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