I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
