Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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