sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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