I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
