Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
