Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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