god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize