he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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