If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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