I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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