thus making me awesome and them whores
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
