life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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