I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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