Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My life is pants optional.
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