Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
