Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
