Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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