Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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