So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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