How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
