i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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