After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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