Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
