I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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