Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
