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Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
