I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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