dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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