Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
