Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
