Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
