I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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