i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
is that a dick in a sweater?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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